4 weeks
Hey guyzzzz
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Sorry it’s been awhile, (4 weeks to be exact). I’ve been really busy trying to keep up with my summer plans. How are they going?
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Oh, before I continue…
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A friend (you know who you are) recently asked me why I put so many spaces in my entries and thus force my readers to scroll down for what may seem like… a long unit of measurement.
Cubits?
Fathoms?
Furlongs?
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Furlongs it is.
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Anyways, I apologize for making you guys scroll down for what may seem like a furlong (201.168 meters according to Google), but I feel it helps break down my long blabs into readable segments. Otherwise, it may be intimidating (like me.)
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Ok. So. Summer goals:
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1. Get a job:
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Most of you know I have completely failed at this one so far. After about 15 applications and 4 open interviews… still nothing.
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I’m genuinely beginning to doubt my worth as a working citizen of the United States and more importantly, as a super awesome dude.
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Bazinga.
You’ve fallen victim to one of my classic pranks.
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I know that my lack of job right now is most likely due in part to my overwhelming sense of awesomeness. As a great race car driver once said,
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“Here’s the deal, I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence”
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In fact, I’m pretty sure no one wants to hire me because they know i’d take over their managerial position in a matter of days.
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Something like that.
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but yea, it’s getting pretty desperate over here. Canada trip has pretty much been cancelled because of my lack of funds, I recently applied to target as a security specialist, and I became a member of 6 different online survey companies that pay me in virtual credits for answering questions about medications i take and my sexual orientation.
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The funny thing is that was all true.
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In fact, one of the surveys asked me if I had a blog to which I almost responded “no” but then realized that I’m filling out online surveys because I have no other way to generate revenue and consequentially spend my time other than blog.
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And thus here I am.
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Moving on:
2. Dunk
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Workouts have been going well! Just finished my 3rd week and I’ll be testing my vertical on Friday. I’ll let you guys know how much it improved. (hopefully by at least a cubit, perhaps a fathom.)
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3. Create the double down get ripped for summer workout plan
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Ok, tried the sandwich and it wasn’t that great. Also, it was $5.50.
Seeing as how I failed at goal #1, this one doesn’t seem feasible. So let’s throw that out.
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4. Hang out with buddies
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I’ve actually seen a lot of people I haven’t seen in a while thanks to birthday dinners, random get togethers, and random happenstance. It’s always good to see old pals.
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So there you have it, I’m progressing in 2/4 of my summer goals. 50%.
Thats not so bad, right?
I mean, if you had to give it a grade, it’d be…
well, it’d be failing i guess.
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I fail at summer?
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ehhhhh
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Speaking of failure, a lot of you have been asking me how I feel about my Phoenix Suns.
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As most of you know, (because you live in either the land of the Lakers or on planet Orange), the Suns were defeated in 6 games by my nemesis, the Los Angeles Lakers.
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I think having favorite sports teams is like having kids.
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Not like… giving birth. But like… actually having kids.
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What sports teams do to a man’s emotions can only be equivocated to what his child could do. Sports have the ability to make a man feel like the king of the world, as well as the fool of the village. (needed something to complete the feudal metaphor. If you have something better, let me know and i’ll edit it as well as give you props)
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In good times or bad, however, a good fan always sticks by his team.
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See? Just like parenting.
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Going along with the analogy, this season for the suns came with little expectation.
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I guess its like if your 4’10, 60 pound kid said he wanted to try out for the wrestling team.
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I mean, you’d support him, but you wouldn’t go bragging to all the other parents that your kid is going to win the state title.
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It starts off about how you expected, but late in the season, your kid starts winning… a lot! (the suns had the 2nd best record in the NBA after the All-star break)
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And suddenly, your kid is in the State tournament! (The western conference playoffs) As a third seed! If he wins, he could move on to the national tournament! (the NBA finals)
His first opponent is an easy win, a wrestler fresh off a torn groin. (The Portland Trail Blazers). You feel bad for the injured kid, but hey! This is your kid’s chance! He’s only 4’10, 60 pounds!
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And he moves on to the second round… where he faces, Billy Johnson (The San Antonio Spurs), your neighbor’s kid. You hate Billy Johnson. He’s always picked on your scrawny little kid but you could never do anything about it. Every year you think “maybe this year, my kid will grow up and show Billy Johnson who’s boss”.
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But it never happens. He just always smacks your kid around, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
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(because hitting children is against the law)
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You’re ready to have your heart crushed again, when all of a sudden, Billy Johnson looks old and slow… suddenly… vulnerable! And your kid beats “Big Bully” Billy Johnson (I know, his reputation is only getting more despicable as the metaphor goes on) in just 10 seconds! (Like how we swept San Antonio)
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And life is good. You are so proud of your kid for conquering his long time nemesis.
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And then, in the state championship match, you realize what your kid is up against:
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Legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan (The Los Angeles Lakers)
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WHATT?!?!?
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What is Hulk Hogan doing in a high school wrestling tournament?
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(I don’t know, how did the Lakers get both Pau Gasol and Ron Artest for nothing?)
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You remain optimistic that your kid can do it, reach the national tournament. I mean, he just pinned “The Biggest Baddest Bully Butthead” Billy Johnson!
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Pretty much everyone is rooting for Hulk Hogan, I mean, he’s a superstar.
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And your kid gives it everything he has…
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But in a close match, Hulk Hogan prevails.
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Expected, but still painful.
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After the loss, your kid says “I’m sorry. I could’ve won that match. In the end though, Hulk Hogan was just too big.”
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You’re admittedly disappointed, because you know your kid could’ve gone to the national tournament.
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But hey
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We kicked “The Boasting Baffoon, Biggest Baddest Bully Butthead” Billy Johnson’s butt.
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Everything else was icing on the cake.
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Besides, there’s always next year.
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Yea, it’s kinda like that.
